LXG and the Quest for the Holy Grail
by Obi's Second Cousin
Summary: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Spamalot. What could be better?
1. Chapter 1

LXG and the Quest for the Holy Grail

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Spamalot. What could be better than that?

Disclaimer: I don't own LXG or Spamalot. That would be Fox and Monty Python, respectively. I own only Daria, Mariah, the stage crew, and the idea of sticking these guys in a blender and hitting 'puree'. If you are confused about Daria, check out my profile for directions.

The League members looked up at what appeared to be an abandoned warehouse of sorts.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Quatermain asked.

Sawyer held up a scrap of paper. "Number Sixteen Python Lane. This is it."

"Would someone remind me why we are here?" Gray asked in a bored voice. He eyed the somewhat run-down building with distaste.

Mina sighed. "Because this is where Mycroft Holmes told us to go for the first part of our mission. Did you miss that part of the briefing, Dorian?"

They stood there for a moment.

"Isn't anyone going to knock?" Jekyll asked.

The League members looked at one another, none of them really wanting to be the one to knock on the door. Finally Daria shook her head.

"Fine. I'll do it." She walked up to the warehouse door and knocked firmly. The sound echoed in the quiet, nearly-empty street.

The door opened from the inside, revealing a young woman with blue eyes, glasses, and shockingly red hair. "Are you the League?" she asked.

"Yeah," Sawyer said, pushing his way to the front. "I'm Tom Sawyer and this is-"

The woman held up a hand and grinned. "I know who y'all are. Come on in." She opened the door wider and stepped to one side to let them in. The eight League members filed in, looking around at their surroundings. The warehouse was large. Along one wall was a stage of some sort with the curtains drawn. Cables and other equipment were strewn across the floor, except for where a large numbers of chairs had been set up. A couple of people worked at sewing machines and only briefly looked up as the red-haired woman led the League into the room.

"Wot kind of set-up do you 'ave 'ere anyway?" Skinner asked, looking around.

"And exactly who are you?" Nemo wanted to know.

The woman grinned again. "Easy question. My name is Mariah, and I could use your help." Mariah turned and whistled sharply. A teenaged girl with wavy brown hair and green eyes padded up and handed Mariah a stack of booklets, who handed one to each member of the League.

Quatermain looked at the booklet in his hands. There was a single word on the cover.

"'Scripts'?" he asked blankly.

Mariah nodded. "Miss Camer here and I had a bet. I lost. Now I have to put on a musical. You'll find parts, lines, and directions in there. Talk to Ana-" she pointed at another young woman, who was over by the sewing machines, and continued, "for costumes. Dressing rooms are over that way. I'll see you in an hour or so."

She turned and left them, arguing good-naturedly with Miss Camer.

Jekyll looked at the script in his hands. "Does anyone here now how to sing?"


	2. Historians and Monks

Chapter Two: Historians and Monks

_Three Weeks Later…_

Mariah walked into the theater part of the warehouse looked around for the source of the warm-up practice music she heard. It was odd, because they didn't _have_ musicians. She spotted the source of the noise- the sound manager in his overhanging booth.

She cleared her throat. "Hello?" she called. "Are you ready?"

Patel leaned over the edge of the booth. "Yes," he said.

"Then we'll begin."

Patel nodded and switched out records on the gramophone on his booth. Immediately, bright, cheery music began to play.

People began to file in to take their seats as stage crew scurried across the stage, carrying bolts of cloth, ladders, bits of scenery, and equipment. They set up what they needed to and scrambled off the stage as the curtain came up, revealing DARIA NOCLAF, dressed in dark green. A map of England was hung on the wall behind her.

DN: "England, 932 A.D. A kingdom divided.

(she pointed to each place on the map as she named them, like a weather reporter)

"To the West, the Anglo-Saxons.  
To the East, the French. Above, nothing but Celts-"

(Quatermain poked his head out from behind the curtain and glared at her. Hastily, Daria cleared her throat.)

"-and some people from Scotland.  
In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, plague.  
In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent… plague.  
In Mercia, and the two Anglias, plague, with a 50 chance of pestilence  
and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.

"Legend tells us of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom.

A man with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest.

(she is looking very excited now)

"This man was Arthur, King of the Britains, for this was England!"

(She gestures dramatically to the map of England. To her surprise, another map unfolds on top of it. A map of… Finland?)

(the Company dances out eagerly. The men are Nemo's crewmen, who had gleefully volunteered to be a part of this production. The women are some of the most terrifying creatures known to human-kind- FAN GIRLS. They are all carrying rubber herrings and are led by none other than RODNEY SKINNER.)

COMPANY:  
Finland, Finland, Finland  
That's the country for me!

(Daria is looking seriously confused as they parade out onto the stage)

(VARIOUS ANIMAL NOISES)

RS, in an outrageous accent over his Cockney one:  
Finland is the country where we dance  
Finland is the country where we play  
Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance  
In traditional Scandinavian vay!

ALL:  
Schlip! Schlap!

RS:

Schlip-a-schlap-a vay

ALL:  
Schlip! Schlap!

RS:  
Schlap away all day

ALL:  
Schlip! Schlap!

RS:  
You simply can't go wrong  
Vith traditional fish-schlapping song

(They all snap their fishes in unison)

ALL:  
Finland, Finland, Finland

MEN:  
The country where I quite want to be

Ishmael:

Pony trekking-

RS:

Or camping-

ALL:  
Or just watching TV  
Finland, Finland, Finland  
That's the country for me!

DN (looking annoyed.)"  
I said, "ENG-land."

COMPANY (spoken in tandem):  
What? Oh, sorry, sorry about that…

(They troop off looking dejected. Daria follows them off-stage, muttering to herself.)

(The curtain comes down for a moment, then comes back up to reveal what looks like a run-down peasant town. A troop of MONKS, played by TOM SAWYER, DANTE, SANDERSON REED, and ISHMAEL, wander across the stage, carrying heavy books)

Monks:

"Sacrosanctus Domine

(They whack themselves in the heads with the books)  
"Pecavi ignoviunt

(They whack themselves in the heads with the books)  
"Iuesus Christus Domine

(They whack themselves in the heads with the books)  
'Pax vobiscum venerunt)

(They wander off-stage, and the lights, controlled by Patel up in his booth, focus on RODNEY SKINNER, pushing a cart full of 'dead' people.)

RS:  
"Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"

(M comes up to the cart, hauling a limp ALLAN QUATERMAIN with him)

M:  
Here's one.

AQ:  
I'm not dead!

RS:  
Here, he says he's not dead!

M (glaring at Quatermain):  
Yes, he is.

AQ:  
I feel happy. I feel happy!

(He jumps to his feet)

AQ:  
I am not dead yet  
I can dance and I can sing!  
I am not dead yet  
I can do the highland fling!  
I am not dead yet  
No need to go to bed,  
No need to call the doctor  
'Cos I'm not yet dead!

(A group of MINSTRELS rushes on-stage, carrying their varied and sundry instruments

MINSTRELS:  
He is not yet dead,  
That's what the geezer said.  
Oh, he's not yet dead.  
That man is off his head!  
He is not yet dead-  
Put him back in bed,  
Keep him off the cart because he's not yet dead!

(Quatermain performs a very energetic improvised dance as NEMO and HENRY JEKYLL, followed by yet more minstrels, enter stage right. Nemo is wearing a blue-and-white tunic with a black griffin on in; Jekyll is in green and white. The device on his tunic is a big black chicken. Nemo comes up behind Quatermain and mimes whacking him on the head. The original group of minstrels stare at the 'dead' hunter and round on Nemo.)

MINSTRELS:  
Well now he's dead!  
You whacked him on the head!

(They gesture at Nemo accusingly)  
Sure now he's dead!  
It makes me just see red!  
You are such a brute  
To murder that old coot!  
You homicidal bastard, now he's really dead!

(They all glare at Nemo, who is followed by the ever-patient ISHMAEL, his squire.)  
Who is the knave who put him in his grave"  
And who needs to manage his anger?

N (puffing himself up for the part at a glare from Mariah, who is seated in the front row.):  
My name is Lancelot.  
I'm big and strong and hot.  
Occasionally I do  
Some things that I should not.

(Jekyll steps forward followed by the minstrels. In something shiny off to one side, the audience catches a glimpse of EDWARD HYDE, dressed in a tattered minstrel's costume.)

Jekyll:  
I want to be a knight,  
But I don't like to fight.  
I'm rather scared I may  
Just simply run away.

N (linking arms with Jekyll in a friendly buddy sort of manner):  
I'll be right with you,  
Robin through and through and through.  
So stick with me and I'll show you what I do!

BOTH:  
We'll remain good chums

N:

You can teach me how to dance

BOTH:  
We're going to enlist

HJ:  
I'm Robin

N:  
And I'm Lance

(A group of KNIGHTS come up behind Nemo and Jekyll)

ALL:  
Oh we're off to war  
Because we're not yet dead!  
We will all enlist  
As the Knights that Arthur led!

EH, waving from the aforementioned shiny object, prompting Jekyll to wince:  
I am coming too-  
My name will be Sir Fred!  
I'll be your musician  
'Cos I'm not yet dead!

KNIGHTS:  
Oh we're not dead yet  
To Camelot we go  
To enlist instead  
To try and earn some dough  
And so although  
We should have stayed in bed  
We're going off to war  
Because we're not yet dead

N (over the knights):  
To kill  
I will  
It gives me such a thrill!

HJ (Trying to sing over both the knights and Nemo) :  
To sing,  
And dance,

(he points at Nemo so that only the audience can see)  
And keep an eye on Lance.

ALL:  
We're going off to war!  
We'll have girlfriends by the score!

EH:  
We'll be shot by Michael Moore!

ALL:  
Because we're not yet….

(A random knight whacks M on the head. The Company pauses and looks down at him. They shrug.)

ALL:

Dead!

Not yet dead!

(The curtain falls, then comes back up a few minutes later to reveal TOM SAWYER and DORIAN GRAY standing on the shores of a lake…)


	3. Cheerleaders and Crosses

Chapter Three: Cheerleaders and Crosses…

TS (spoken):  
Oh, Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real. 

(Cue the mysterious music as MINA HARKER and her band of LADIES 'rise' out of the lake. GRAY is stunned)

DG (spoken):  
Cor! Blimey! 

(SAWYER glances at him with a raised eyebrow)

LADIES:  
Ahhhhh... etc.

MH:  
Come with me,  
Come with me.  
Come with me  
Sweet Galahad.

(She looks at Gray, seeming a bit unhappy with the situation. GRAY is thoroughly enchanted.)  
You'll be a man,  
Join Arthur's clan.  
Come with me,  
And I will make you glad.

Galahad,  
Sweet Galahad,  
Be a knight, it's time to take your vow.  
If you come with me now,  
I'll show you how.

DG:  
Oh wow! 

(They disappear into the reeds, MINA looking as if she wished she were anywhere but with Gray)

TS (spoken, with a truly evil grin on his face):  
Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the Lake  
and her Laker Girls welcome your son to MY army!

(DARIA, dressed as Arthur's squire Patsy, runs on-stage blowing a whistle to a marching beat, rather like one would hear at a high school football game. Mina's LADIES all charge forward in a rush. As they come into the light, it becomes apparent that they are wearing cheerleader outfits.)

TS (In a grand parade voice):

I am Arthur, King of the Britons,  
And we're seeking men who are able.  
And so we're recruiting Dennis  
To sit at our very, very, very round table!  
(The LAKERS start clapping)

Ready?

LGs (beginning to perform a complicated cheerleading routine):   
OK!  
(Chanting) K.I.N.  
G.A.R.  
T.H.  
U.R. Arthur!  
K.I.N.  
G.A.R.  
T.H.  
U.R. Arthur!  
Arthur King!  
Arthur King!  
The biggest and the coolest thing!

TS:  
Who's the King?

LGs:  
You are!.

TS:  
Who's the King?

LGs:  
You are!  
A.R.T.H.U.R. Arthur!

(DARIA blows the whistle)  
Who is next to enlist?  
Dennis!  
Dennis!

DN:  
Who is?

LGs and DN:  
Dennis!  
The Lady of the Lake will make him a man!  
If she can't do it- nobody can!

MH (from off-stage): I heard that!  
DG (Also off-stage): Hey!

TS and DN:  
Who will he be?

LG's:  
G.A.L.A.H.A.D.  
G…A...L…A…H…A…

Slightly slower Laker: D!

(The Laker Girls, Sawyer, and Daria troop off stage left. From the center of the stage, GRAY and MINA rise up on one of those nifty platform thingies as mystic music plays. GRAY is totally transformed- no longer the peasant Dennis, he now wears a white tunic. The shield he carries is also white, with a big red cross on it.)

DG:

Once in every show,  
There comes a song like this.  
It starts off soft and low,   
And ends up with a kiss.  
Oh where is the song  
That goes like this?

(He looks around for the song)  
Where is it? Where? Where? 

(MINA steps forward)  
MH:

A sentimental song,  
That casts a magic spell.  
They all will hum along.  
We'll overact like hell!  
Oh this is the song that goes like this.

DG:

Yes it is!

MH:

Yes it is!

DG:

Yes it is!

MH:

Yes it is! 

(Unbeknownst to Gray, and for that matter, Mariah, SAWYER has been watching from the wings, and is less then happy at seeing Gray with Mina. As MINA sings her lines, he rushes on stage and shoves GRAY out of the way. The shield goes flying.)

TS:

Now we can go straight  
Into the middle eight!  
A bridge that is too far for me!

MH (turning to SAWYER with a pleased expression):

I'll sing it in your face,  
While we both embrace.

(They embrace)  
And then,  
We change  
The key! 

(GRAY, not to be pushed out by the younger League member, marches back to them and yanks SAWYER out of Mina's grasp)

DG (Very squeakily):

Now we're into E!  
hem That's awfully high for me. 

MH (mildly irritated that Gray is back):

But everyone can see  
We should have stayed in D.

BOTH:

For this is our song that goes like this!

DG (smugly):

I'm feeling very proud! 

MH (glaring at GRAY):

You're singing far too loud!

(SAWYER kicks GRAY in the shin and comes back to stand very close to MINA)  
TS:

That's the way that this song goes.

MH (now glaring at SAWYER, who is standing on her foot):

You're standing on my toes.

(SAWYER steps back)  
BOTH:

Singing our song that goes like this!

MH:

I can't believe there's more!

(GRAY wraps both arms around SAWYER's waist and tries to haul him bodily away)  
DG (gasping):

It's far too long, I'm sure.

MH:

That's the trouble with this song-  
It goes on and on and on!

BOTH:

For this is our song that is too long!  
(SAWYER tackles GRAY. They go sprawling to the floor.)

DG:

Jesuschristgoddamnit-!

MH (ignoring the two):

We'll be singing this 'til dawn!

DG (More to Sawyer than to anyone else):

You'll wish that you weren't born!

MH:

Let's stop this damn refrain!

(SAWYER whacks GRAY in the head and runs over to MINA)  
BOTH:

Before we go insane!

The song always ends like this!

(Their last note is so high-pitched that something made of glass breaks. They embrace. GRAY glares and stomps off-stage.)


	4. Suspenders and Campfire Songs

AN: Well, this twisted bit of daydreaming isn't doing half-bad. Thanks to **Donkey and Skunk **for reviewing. For everyone out there who is lurking, please leave reviews!

(As MINA and SAWYER clear off the stage, NEMO comes marching across the stage, followed by a pack of KNIGHTS- played by his crewmen. Little does Mariah know, but he has been fiddling with the script. He never wanted to be in a musical anyway.)

N (Chanting like a drill sergeant):

I don't know but it's been said!

KNIGHTS:

I don't know but it's been said!

N:

We're off to war-

We're not yet dead.

KNIGHTS

We're off to war-

We're not yet dead.

N

Become a knight and you'll go far!

KNIGHTS

Become a knight and you'll go far!

N

In suspenders and a bra!

(The KNIGHTS fall out of their neat marching lines in confusion)

KNIGHTS(confused):

In suspenders and a bra?!

(In the audience, Mariah groans)

(The curtain falls. Sounds of moving scenery can be heard in the audience. There is a loud crash and yelps of pain and surprise- someone has dropped something on someone's foot."

(The curtain rises, revealing a campsite with a glowing 'campfire'. DARIA enters stage right.)

DN:  
And so, King Arthur gathered his Knights together,  
bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in  
the land to sit at the Round Table.

(The KNIGHTS- QUATERMAIN, GRAY, NEMO, and JEKYLL, all in their shiny armor, march out onstage from behind her. DARIA indicates each knight in turn)

(She points to QAUTERMAIN)  
The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere,

(Quatermain raises an eyebrow at the description as GRAY steps forward. Daria rolls her eyes at the aristocrat)  
The dashingly handsome Sir Galahad,

(NEMO takes a step forward)

The homicidally brave Sir Lancelot,

(Daria grins as JEKYLL comes up to be announced)  
Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,  
who slew the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who  
personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.

(Jekyll pales as the description goes on.)  
And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-show.

(Daria and the KNIGHTS all glare at Skinner, who has snuck over to the end of the line)

RS:  
Sorry.  
(He walks off-stage looking dejected)

DN:  
Together they formed a band whose names  
and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries...  
The Knights of the Round Table. 

(she bows out) 

KNIGHTS (in a chanty, campfire-song kind of way. They link arms and begin to do a grapevine line.):  
All for one,  
One for all,  
All for one,  
And one for all.  
(the line breaks up for the solos)  
AQ:  
Some for some,

DG:  
None for none,

HJ (glancing sidelong at Gray:  
Slightly less for people we don't like,

N (sounding smug):  
And a little bit more for me!

ALL (each knight pairs up with another and does a little do-si-do sort of thing for weach line of song):  
All round this Blightly land,  
We are his mighty band,

(the pairs break up)  
Oooo.  
King Arthur's strongest knights,  
We are prepared to fight  
Whoooo-ever.  
All for one,  
Two for all,  
Four for some,

(They all draw their swords)  
And free for all!

(the neat line of knights breaks into a random melee as the curtain falls again)

(Mariah's audience breaks into applause. Mariah herself looks relieved that nothing has gone wrong- yet.


End file.
